Finding Ground in Groundless Times
Seven Anchors for When Grief Leaves You Drifting
Everyone has moments in their lives when a tragedy strikes, they experience a significant loss, a job loss or someone close dies or moves away, or something happens that drastically changes the direction of their lives. Perhaps the chaos and challenges we are experiencing in these times leave you feeling helpless and hopeless.
The result is often a journey through the stages of grief.
First, there is shock and denial. “How could this happen? This couldn’t possibly be happening.”
Then comes the anger. “Why me? How could you?”
Followed by bargaining with yourself and with others and even with God. “If I do this, then maybe I can make it work, or I’ll feel better. If you do this, then we can manage or get through or do whatever is necessary to alleviate the pain. If I go back to church, God, will you spare my friend?”
There is a stage of depression and deep sadness. In this moment, loss is all you feel, overwhelming loss and grief. Everything seems to hit you at once. Tears may come non-stop and spontaneously.
Finally, you arrive at acceptance, where you surrender to what is so you can go on in your life. It doesn’t make the hurt go away; it simply means you accept your circumstances and this new reality so you can move forward.
We do not enter and exit each stage linearly. We may feel one, then another, and back again to the first one. Everyone goes through these stages in their own way. There is no “formula” or timeline for going through loss and grief.
When I work with people who are going through significant change, often precipitated by a loss, I recognize these stages. People want to get through the cycle quickly, denying the grief or trying to find something to fill the void that is left. It could be the loss of a loved one, divorce, the loss of a job, or maybe the realization that they have been living someone else’s life.
They feel like they are drifting; the ground that held them has evaporated, leaving nothing to hold onto. They can’t focus. They become lethargic, apathetic, and worried.
This is not unusual. They need help navigating the stages in a healthy way.
Eventually, however, they will no longer rely on someone else to support them. They must learn how to support their own process.
7 Ways to Find Your Ground
These are practices, behaviors, and thought processes that have helped my clients recover from a loss and begin to move forward, releasing the past and focusing on the future they want to create based on a “new normal.”
1. If you can’t focus on work, start a project. Maybe it’s painting the bedroom, planting a garden, or training for a marathon. Pick something that involves all of you and is very concrete and tangible; that incorporates mind, body, heart and spirit. This creates a point of focus. When you feel like you can’t get up that morning, turn to the project or goal. Focus on what you need to do that day to achieve this goal, no matter how small that step is. It moves you forward towards something. It gives you a reason to get up.
2. Create structure. I recommend that my clients structure their day by writing an agenda for a typical day or week, and then following it for a time. This alleviates the feeling of being adrift. Incorporate activities, meals, workouts, and whatever else that builds resiliency and nourishes you.
3. Take on something new. Learn a new skill, go back to school, pick up a hobby, take an art class, or go back to yoga class. Read a new book, something unlike anything you might’ve read before. Becoming a learner again generates curiosity, and curiosity generates life.
4. Practice extreme self-care. There are times you won’t even want to eat and may even drink too much alcohol. Decide on specific self-care practices to maintain your wellness. It could be cooking nourishing food, as well as getting a massage, a manicure, or taking daily walks. Journaling is a self-care practice that also helps you reflect on your process and move through grief and loss with awareness and intention.
5. Find community. Most people want to be left alone, and some solitude is necessary. But it must be balanced with support from others—an invitation to a quiet dinner or a weekend away hiking in the mountains. Allow friends and family to support you as you go through this difficult time.
6. Do something for someone else. Nothing pulls you out of your own story like helping someone else. You begin to recover meaning in your life, a sense of being present in it anew and in a different, but real, way.
7. Therapy. I must include therapy here. There are times when the hole you find yourself in is so dark you doubt there could be any light. If this goes on for a while, you may find comfort and support with a professional therapist who is skilled in helping others through grief and loss.
“This too shall pass.”
None of these practices is meant to deflect the emotions that arise from loss. They are not intended to avoid feeling the grief or sadness. There will be times when stillness, solitude, and tears will be a necessary element in the healing process. This must be honored, too.
As difficult as any change or loss may be, recognizing that it is only one point on a time continuum helps you keep perspective and hope. Nothing stays the same. One day may be joyful, another tragic, and another indifferent. Everything will pass.
What’s important to remember is that YOU MATTER. Yes, that is the most important thing to remember.
YOU MATTER.
Provide the love and compassion to yourself that you would give to your best friend—even that nudge or outright kick in the butt, delivered with love.
When you feel like there is no ground, that is when you discover your wings.
Honor your process, seek support, be patient with yourself, take care of yourself, and be assured that on the other side of the night is another dawn waiting for you. You may not feel it, but it’s there.
Trust that you are stronger than you believe, and you are loved more than you know.
Algarve Cliffs
If you feel that a time away from your daily life, a quiet space being witnessed and held while you work through to your grounding, would be useful, consider a Becoming Limitless Retreat with me. More information here. ⬇️
